The 12 Labours of Chuck

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Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved? I need to do something noteworthy so that history records my name and I am never forgotten. I don't need to be a household name for the next two thousand years or anything. To be honest, I couldn't hold a candle to the Prefect of Judaea. Not only did Pontius Pilate kill Jesus [manus lavo], but he also focused his beliefs (that mental and physical health were inter-related) into a physical fitness system that uses the mind to control the muscles in your body; Pilates. I'd like to be remembered without having to actually 'do' anything. Like how Bella will be forever immortalized by her decision between Edward and Jacob. Or how Sookie will be remembered for being on the worst fucking show I have ever seen. What makes a man great? Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them. Chuck Norris is the only example embodying all three. The only son of Charles Atlas and Rosie the Riveter, Chuck used his demi-god powers to preform twelve labours given to him by The King of Rock and Roll: Elvis.

The Twelve Labours of Chuck Norris:
  1. Led the Orcs to the continent of Kalimdor, where they founded Orgrimmar
  2. Captured all 151 Pokemon (including Mew)
  3. Destroyed the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom
  4. Fired two proton torpedoes into a two-meter exhaust vent without using a targeting computer, thus blowing up the fucking Death Star
  5. Hunted down and killed Bill Williams across the sprawling expanses of the American West and Mexico 
  6. Raped, killed, and then subsequently again raped Sephiroth, because Republicans don't support stem cell research/cloning, but they do support murder... and rape
  7.  Ate 50 eggs
  8. Defeated Tyler Durden in an underground bare knuckle boxing match
  9. Beat the Loch Ness Monster to death with the corpse of a Sasquatch 
  10. Took Marsellus Wallace's wife on a date
  11. Won a race against The Flash, Superman, Speedy Gonzales, and the Road Runner 
  12. Discovered Atlantis and claimed ownership of the city under Maritime Law, then marketed and sold the property for untold profits 
Never was so much owed by so many to so few. I don't believe I will receive a windfall of greatness. Maybe my place will be writing the biographies of great men. But history soon forgets their names. No one remembers the name of the guy who chronicled the struggles of Achilles or Odysseus. And even if they do remember his name, he would be nothing without Marge behind him. I was watching the movie 'Troy' with Brad Pitt and he turned to me and said, "If you stay in Canada, you will find peace. You will find a wonderful woman, and you will have sons and daughters, who will have children. And they'll all love you and remember your name. But when your children are dead, and their children after them, your name will be lost. If you star on season 2 of Jersey Shore, glory will be yours. They will write stories about your douchebaggery for thousands of years and the world will honour your name. But if you go to Jersey, you will never come back, for your glory walks hand-in-hand with your doom. And I shall never see you again." *a single tear rolls down Brad's perfect facial bone structure* Our eyes lock, I am drowning in the infinite sadness and lust contained in the depths of his cobalt blue irises. We share a silent agreement that our feelings for each other are forbidden. Besides even if we act on such primal urges, Angelina will be home soon, and the children are just in the next room. The silence in the room crackles with the energy between us. We loose control of our inhibitions inexplicable at the exact same time, as if some external force wanted us to be together. As we embrace I feel the weight of years of patience and wanting lift from my shoulders. "We don't have much time," I gasp as Brad runs his fingers down my spine. Every hair on my body is raised in anticipation and my heart is almost beating out of my untrimmed chest. We do it. 

Happy Pride. 
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