Stupid Shit
"You slept with Brooke?"
- A morning in Mexico
When men engage me in small talk I assume they are gay. My response is always: "Look buddy, leave the money on the night stand and get out!"
What I really need is a woman who understands the binary language of moisture vaporators.
"That's Stalker Tom."
"He doesn't seem all that bad."
"He rapes women."
"Oh."
"Why do my goldfish always die?"
"Because I don't love you son."
"At about 11 am on Sunday I was sitting there trying to figure out a way to kill myself without getting off the toilet."
When you sit on your hand until it goes numb and then masturbate it is called 'The Stranger.' This is a Laissez-faire approach to jerking off.
We used to say, "never goto bed angry." We should have said, "never goto bed with other people."
Rectum? Damn near wrecked him!
Confucius probably didn't say most of those things.
The Ontario Ministry of Transportation:
What the world would be like if the Nazis had won the war.
Earthquakes: I Haiti when that happens.
I was purchasing alcohol when asked if I would like to donate money to Haiti. No joke here just something that happened to me. I said no.
"So you broke your leg. What do you want, atrophy?"
"If you don't shut the fuck up I'll kill you!"
"Don't get up, I'll kill myself."
"Don't get up, I'll kill myself."
Chats
Mounir: Where is Kurt?
Me: Kurt was killed just recently. Some say he died from hate, some say from a bleeding colon.
Mounir: Did you have bondage sex with him?
Me: What other kind of sex is there?
Yana: Fuck.
Yana: You look like you take it up the ass.
Yana: Which you do.
Yana: But that doesn't make you a bad person.
Yana: Which you are.
Things NOT to do with your dick out.
- Yard work
- Public speaking
- Pencil sharpening
- Sunday mass
- Carrot chopping
- Leap frog
- Taxidermy
RULE: 'I' before 'E'
Except after 'Old Mac Donald had a farm'
Q: What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
A: Being raped.
Why was 62?
Because 7 x 5 = 35
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