Soylent Orange

-- Untrue, Soylent Orange has everything the body needs to function. 

My entire life has been a constant strive to test the limits of body and mind. I stand before you now and can say, with no ego, that I represent the epitome of physical fitness and the peak of human evolution. It all started with drunk driving. I figured that if you practice driving drunk you will eventually be able to compensate for any loss in motor function and response time. You have to take baby steps. Start out driving drunk with your bicycle and when you are comfortable move up to go-karts. After you get the hang of that get a friend, parent, spouse, offspring, or prostitute to take you to a mall parking lot after hours. Only after you are completely confident in your drunk driving abilities should you put this new skill into practice on the road, it make take 6 months or 6 beers, just make sure that you are sure. 

I like to push my body to extremities. Sometimes I go for days without eating or drinking anything and then lift heavy objects and run until I pass out. I keep a log of the distance I make before loosing consciousness. This skill is important in case I am ever lost in the desert for days and then have to run towards a mirage before it disappears. 

A keen mind is paramount for overall health. I used to hone the blade that is my mind with a simple yet effective exercise. I would sit in a chair and stare straight ahead. I would not blink or think. Any thought that came into my mind would be immediately pushed out. Concentration on nothingness heightens awareness. I practiced this technique for 4 years and at the end of it all was handed a high school diploma. 

I sometimes accidentally intercept psychic messages containing military secrets. In the event I am captured I have started preparing myself for interrogation. Each day I spend an hour in self-induced torture. I thought the experience of daily mental and physical pain would eventually start to become tolerable but alas, 6 season of Grey's Anatomy and I still kick, scream, and beg for death.