Roger and Me

So I received a phone call from my telephone service provider regarding the past due amounts on my cell phone account. I had no idea there was any money owing on my bill partly due to the fact I had not received a billing statement in 4 months. I have lived at my current address for almost a year now and in that time I may have gotten 3 bills in total. At first I would just blindly make payments based on the amount owing the previous fiscal quarter, but since it has been 16 weeks without a bill I decided to not pay. I was promptly harassed with automated phone calls instructing me to contact the credit department. I'm glad they aren't rude and respect me enough to call at reasonable hours, like 5am and 11:34pm. 

I guess after a week of no response they made the grand assumption that I was indeed not nocturnal and called while the Earth still bathed in the light and warmth of its closest star. I was greeted by an operator and decided to have some 'phun' (my new made-up word for phone fun). "Hello? Hello? You called? I can't hear a thing. I've got no service in the club you see, you see. Wha-wha-what did you say, huh? You're breaking up on me! Sorry I can't hear you, I'm kinda busy." I kept saying, 'k-kinda busy,' until the operator finally yelled at me. "Sir-s-si-sir. Excu- Excus-... Excuse me si- Excuse me sir... SIR PLEASE STOP!" "Why are you yelling at me? This is harassment and a terrible way to treat a loyal customer. I wish to speak to your direct supervisor about this insult." It is important to use the terms "extremely disappointed" and "disgusting" repeatedly to emphasize what terrible service they provide. I was informed that if I wanted the collection calls to stop all I had to do was provide a date in which I planned on making  the payment of the past due amounts. I guess December 22, 2012 was not a close enough date to sate the phone company. 

After what could only be described in relative terms as an eternity of silence, I was told that the calls would continue and failure of payment would eventually lead to the disconnection of my service. How then will they call to harass me? It's like going to a restaurant and eating a meal. It's an occasion that supports a few appetizers, mains with frivolously expensive 'add shrimp' options, and stupid desserts you are too full to even look at. After the meal they bring you that plastic bill tray with the edges so coins don't fall out, but no bill. So you guess at the cost of your meal. It's a place with brown paper table cloths that the servers write their names on (aka shit hole) so it can't be THAT expensive. You put down an amount that is fair in your judgement for the service/product you have received. Uh-oh, they look pissed. Now the waiter is yelling at you for shortchanging him. "Sorry.. *I glance down at the table to see a name written in red crayon with exceptional penmanship for being upside down* ..Roger, you see, the information regarding the amount I owe you was not made available to me. Let the record show an attempt at payment was made. This should demonstrate my commitment to emancipate myself from debt. Just hand me the bill and I will gladly pay you on Tuesday for this hamburger today." 

Go fuck yourself Roger. 

... and thanks for all the phun.