Mike's Musings

I want to get a pair of track pants with the word "unemployed" across the ass, but that would just be redundant. The only reason there is to wear track pants is because you are jobless and close to the final decision to kill yourself. I was asked the other day if I knew where someone could buy track pants. My response: "I don't know. I haven't even thought about it. I guess I've never woken up in the afternoon and said to myself 'Wow I feel like a real piece of shit today. Where can I purchase a single piece of clothing that can reflect the fact I have given up on life?'"

I had to re-mortgage my house today because I wanted a coffee. Starbucks was the only option at the time. I'm just kidding, I can't afford a house. Probably because I blew though my savings buying a large black coffee, sorry,venti. "Large coffee please." "Umm... you mean venti?" "Listen Mussolini I just want a big drink, don't push your nationalism on me." I'm not allowed back there.

I was checking out someone's Facebook profile and under 'favourite song' they put "Sex and Candy." What a great tune. It was pretty much the story of my life, but instead of "hanging 'round downtown by myself" it was "sitting at home alone in the dark being jealous of people who don't suffer from agoraphobia" and instead of "disco lemonade" it was "my own urine." Good song though.

I considered making a profile on a dating website. My interests include: abortion, drunk driving, seal clubbing, knitting, crystal meth, knitting, cigarettes, negativity and cancer. To save on the time consuming and potentially costly process of selling my soul to a dating site the likes of lavalife and eHarmony, I have decided to let you ladies in on this exciting new opportunity to bid for my love. The years invested in off-line dating have usually resulted in rape and tears, for the victim. I was the victim. So if anyone is interested in having the privilege to be my wife, please have your father send me an e-mail describing the dowry he plans on providing me with. Obviously the best bid will win my ownership (love and affection pending if you are attractive and not a bitch (which are qualities not usually synonymous)). I guess your fathers are probably dictating this to you right now because you aren't allowed to access the internet without direct supervision. So to my future wife and future father-in-law keep this in mind, I like Star Wars. Email me at mike@thoroldsucks.com if you are interested in making a bid. Thank you.

Listen, no where in the Bible does it say anything against molesting children. I've read in there the part about homosexuals being wrong and how it's wrong to have sex with a goat if it's not female on Sunday. But where in our cherished dogma does it condemn the relationship between a man and a child? The Greeks did it for years and they are the fathers of our beloved democracy. 'Rule of the People' goes hand and hand with 'Fucking of the Child'. Anything a religious doctrine states is alright. That's why Muslim states are allowed to oppress women and the United Nations don't say anything about it. So if the Bible DOESN'T say something is bad, it must be good. After all no where in Genesis does it tell you to have a well balanced died and exercise regularly. I'll admit I attended church when I was growing up. And yes, I did go to Sunday school. But no where in my gag order and out of court settlement does it allow me to retell any horrors I may or may not have suffered. Hey, in Judaism the Mohel has for centuries been handling infant's genitalia and performing sadism and no ones thinks twice to question the barbaric and inhumane practice of circumcision. You're all fucked.

Sometimes when life hands you lemons you have to go fuck yourself. I just saw the movie "Kick-ass" and it was one of the best movies I have seen in a long time. It was Kill Bill meets The Matrix meets Spaceballs. Remember at the end of The Departed when everyone dies and everyone in the theater laughed? *Spoiler alert(actually fuck you. if you haven't seen The Departed yet, refer to the first sentence of this post on what to do if life hands you lemons)* That was the whole movie. I ruined my favorite shirt because all the awesome from that movie melted my face. They wouldn't tell me what a 'Code: Pee-wee Herman' was but I can't go back to that theater for 6 months. The part that really pissed me off is when I left the theater all I could hear was people saying they didn't like the movie. I don't understand why the general population hates good movies and loves shitty ones. These are probably the same people that saw Avatar 5 fucking times. On another note, The Hurt Locker sucked. Oh boohoo I'm addicted to war. Well I'm addicted to you shutting the fuck up.

There are a lot of unanswered questions in the universe that people crave the answers for. But out of all the questions I this one is the most important and the answer will be the most relevant revelation the collective consciousness has ever experienced. Betty of Veronica? Well the answer is clear after years of research and investigation. It's Jughead. Because Archie is gay.