Avril Lavigne Sucks

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Dear Avril Lavigne,

Shut the fuck up, you are not an artist. 



Love, 

Michael


Have you even been asked to name your favourite band/artist or even worse, favourite song? It seems nearly impossible to label a single track as "your favourite" out of the hundreds or thousands of songs you may enjoy and identify with. A favourite song is usually attached to a feeling, a time, and a place. So for most people their favourite song will change depending on the time of year, or current events in their lives. Please take the time to answer the questionnaire below regarding your favourite song. 

What is your favourite song?

A. Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
B. Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy
C. Smack My Bitch Up - Prodigy


I was recently asked what my favourite song was. Without any hesitation I responded: "I don't like music anymore, ever since I heard Avril Lavigne's cover of 'Knockin' On Heavens Door.'" In doing research for this article I have listened to Avril's bastardization 38 times today (according to iTunes) and I am still unable to identify even the slightest trace of passion anywhere in the song's 172 second duration.

Listen for yourself:

Avril Lavigne Ruining Music


Terrible.

Right off the bat the song starts out with an appropriate description of the overall feeling of discomfort that the listener will soon experience.  "Eww eww eww." These underlying onomatopoetic backup vocals are repeated for the duration of the song, confirming that even Avril is aware that her cover is gross. Usually when artist attempts to cover a song, they try and bring their own original style and sound to the table, especially when tackling a very famous song written by a music legend. When Guns N' Roses covered 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door' they undoubtedly made it their own. Between Axl's unique voice, Slash's shredding, and the greatest touch tone telephone solo in the history of recorded music, GN'R managed to transform an iconic folk song into some sort of rock/metal bullshit. Avril on the other hand, managed to make Bob Dylan regret writing the song in the first place. 

Avril's song is about as exciting as her life outside of the studio. The only time I ever hear any mention of her in the news is when she is accused of plagiarism and theft on multiple separate occasions. I guess she made the entertainment news when she married that guy from Sum 41 (pictured below).


The real reason I am so upset about this whole cover song situation, besides the fact that her cover is garbage, is because I firmly believe that the song has been spoken for. I am referring to the version recorded by Warren Zevon. Now I know some of you might be thinking "who the fuck is Warren Zevon?" If I have described you, please take this opportunity to reevaluate your entire existence. When you come back, please take a listen.

Warren Zevon Not Being A Cunt


This is the sound of a man completely conscious of his own mortality. After being diagnosed with an inoperable from of cancer and refusing treatment that would reduce his capacity for awesomeness, Mr. Zevon took to the studio to record his final album. He was literally knocking on heaven's door. Hearing Warren Zevon's version of the song most likely made Avril Lavigne's parents wish the had gotten that abortion. Seriously Avril, why'd ya have to go and make Warren roll over in his grave, you fucking asshole?




This article is dedicated to Warren William Zevon (January 24, 1947 - September 7, 2003)
and NOT dedicated to Avril Ramona Lavigne (September 27, 1983 - hopefully sometime soon)
Content copyright . Mike Corp. All rights reserved.